I’m crying right now. I’m sitting here in a small café writing this as tears are falling down my face. I’m not embarrassed, though. I’m just letting the tears come while I talk to you. And the funny thing is I feel like you are right here listening, so I’ll let you know without anger or fear, you did hurt me, Daddy. And you hurt Momma, too. And though I have my angry days and I have my weepy days, I also have my good days, too. And on those days, I try to understand you and I try to remind myself that you are a hurt, broken soul, too. So why don’t we start working together? Why don’t we start forgiving each other? Even though we didn’t have a bond, we had a connection.
I remember the day I needed help with the tuition for my massage and alternative healing school. I had to make the final tuition payment of $2500 or I was going to be thrown out of the school. I didn’t know how I was going to pay the bill. I didn’t know where I was going to get the money. I tried to get a loan at a bank but I had absolutely no collateral and was considered a bad risk! I tried to borrow money on my Discover credit card. What a mess that was! I decided to get a cash advance and I remember the teller at the bank looking at me skeptically as she charged my credit card and handed me the money.
I walked out of the bank but then panicked! How was I ever going to pay the credit company back next month to avoid additional charges? I was having so much anxiety I actually took the money back to the bank and paid off the bill. I had the money for less than two hours and still got hit with a fee for borrowing the money in the first place! What a mess! I didn’t know what to do. I just had one option left and I wasn’t really comfortable with it. Since the day I moved away from Kansas, I hadn’t asked you or Mom for anything. I felt guilty asking now. However, I had few other choices. I finally swallowed my pride and called you and Mom for the money. When I asked Mom for the loan, I cringed when she told me that she wasn’t sure you guys could loan me $2500. She said she would have to discuss it with you when you came home. God, why couldn’t she have just said yes? I was so afraid when she said you would make the final decision. We hung up the phone and I had to wait for several hours until you got home from work.
That evening Mom called me back. Yes, I could have the money, but I would have to pay it back. It was a loan, not a gift. Mom said a check would be in the mail to me the next day. Thankfully, the check arrived in time for me to pay off my massage school tuition. I was able to graduate from The New Mexico School of Natural Therapeutics in 1998. When you and Mom visited me a few months later, January of 1999, you told me an amazing story.
You told me that you had been standing in line at the bank. You had to get money for a new roof for the house. As you stood in line, you heard a voice whisper in your head to take out an additional $2500 from savings. You told me that you had argued back with the voice. Why would you need $2500 more? But the thought wouldn’t leave your head. You were told again to move $2500 from savings to checking so it could be withdrawn. You continued to silently argue back, a conflict raging in your own mind, until you were standing in front of the teller. After getting the money you needed for the roof, you asked the teller to move $2500 from savings to checking but you didn’t know why. You had given in to the voice and just followed directions. At the last minute, before you left the bank, you made the transfer. That night when you arrived home, Mom told you I had called for the loan. “How much does she need?” you had asked.
As you told me in January of 1999, “I was shocked when Momma answered $2500, the exact amount I had been instructed to transfer. Now I knew why!” I was thrilled to hear this story because I have always believed in angels and intuition. I was happy that you had this experience. I also had a little surprise of my own for you.
Since the moment, I had received the money from you, I wrote out a check every month to pay you back. The checks ranged from $20 to $100 but every month, you would receive my check. I worked really hard, Dad. My massage work in clinics and spas was going well. So, that January of 1999, I was excited to hear your story. The money you were instructed to give me changed my life.
And the last evening before you and Mom left New Mexico to return to Kansas, I slipped the next payment check into your hands before hugging you good-bye. I had folded the check over twice, squeezed it into your palm, and walked out of your hotel room before you could look at it. The check I gave you that day was for $1700, the remainder of the loan. Mom told me later that you were so surprised by the money, you talked about it all the way back to Kansas. You told her you were proud of me. You were pleased that I had been able to completely pay you back within a few months.
That was our last time together before you passed away three months later on April 13, 1999.
But we remain connected through God and the angels. Thank you for helping me and I’m really happy I was able to pay you back before you passed. So through all of the hurt and all the pain, our time together in this lifetime ended with grace, pride, respect, and dignity.
Thank you, Daddy, for all you have taught me. Thank you for creating the woman I am.
Happy Father’s Day, Dad!