Letter to Dad–Father’s Day, June 21, 2015

Dad,

I’m crying right now.  I’m sitting here in a small café writing this as tears are falling down my face.  I’m not embarrassed, though.  I’m just letting the tears come while I talk to you.  And the funny thing is I feel like you are right here listening, so I’ll let you know without anger or fear, you did hurt me, Daddy.  And you hurt Momma, too.  And though I have my angry days and I have my weepy days, I also have my good days, too.  And on those days, I try to understand you and I try to remind myself that you are a hurt, broken soul, too.  So why don’t we start working together?  Why don’t we start forgiving each other?  Even though we didn’t have a bond, we had a connection.

I remember the day I needed help with the tuition for my massage and alternative healing school.  I had to make the final tuition payment of $2500 or I was going to be thrown out of the school.  I didn’t know how I was going to pay the bill.  I didn’t know where I was going to get the money.  I tried to get a loan at a bank but I had absolutely no collateral and was considered a bad risk!  I tried to borrow money on my Discover credit card.  What a mess that was!  I decided to get a cash advance and I remember the teller at the bank looking at me skeptically as she charged my credit card and handed me the money.

I walked out of the bank but then panicked!  How was I ever going to pay the credit company back next month to avoid additional charges?  I was having so much anxiety I actually took the money back to the bank and paid off the bill.  I had the money for less than two hours and still got hit with a fee for borrowing the money in the first place!  What a mess!  I didn’t know what to do.  I just had one option left and I wasn’t really comfortable with it.  Since the day I moved away from Kansas, I hadn’t asked you or Mom for anything.  I felt guilty asking now.  However, I had few other choices.   I finally swallowed my pride and called you and Mom for the money.  When I asked Mom for the loan, I cringed when she told me that she wasn’t sure you guys could loan me $2500.  She said she would have to discuss it with you when you came home.  God, why couldn’t she have just said yes?  I was so afraid when she said you would make the final decision.  We hung up the phone and I had to wait for several hours until you got home from work.

That evening Mom called me back.  Yes, I could have the money, but I would have to pay it back. It was a loan, not a gift.  Mom said a check would be in the mail to me the next day.  Thankfully, the check arrived in time for me to pay off my massage school tuition. I was able to graduate from The New Mexico School of Natural Therapeutics in 1998. When you and Mom visited me a few months later, January of 1999, you told me an amazing story.

You told me that you had been standing in line at the bank.  You had to get money for a new roof for the house.  As you stood in line, you heard a voice whisper in your head to take out an additional $2500 from savings.  You told me that you had argued back with the voice.  Why would you need $2500 more?  But the thought wouldn’t leave your head.  You were told again to move $2500 from savings to checking so it could be withdrawn.  You continued to silently argue back, a conflict raging in your own mind, until you were standing in front of the teller.  After getting the money you needed for the roof, you asked the teller to move $2500 from savings to checking but you didn’t know why.  You had given in to the voice and just followed directions.  At the last minute, before you left the bank, you made the transfer.  That night when you arrived home, Mom told you I had called for the loan.  “How much does she need?” you had asked.

As you told me in January of 1999, “I was shocked when Momma answered $2500, the exact amount I had been instructed to transfer.  Now I knew why!”  I was thrilled to hear this story because I have always believed in angels and intuition.  I was happy that you had this experience.  I also had a little surprise of my own for you.

Since the moment, I had received the money from you, I wrote out a check every month to pay you back.  The checks ranged from $20 to $100 but every month, you would receive my check.  I worked really hard, Dad.  My massage work in clinics and spas was going well.  So, that January of 1999, I was excited to hear your story.  The money you were instructed to give me changed my life.

And the last evening before you and Mom left New Mexico to return to Kansas, I slipped the next payment check into your hands before hugging you good-bye.  I had folded the check over twice, squeezed it into your palm, and walked out of your hotel room before you could look at it.  The check I gave you that day was for $1700, the remainder of the loan.  Mom told me later that you were so surprised by the money, you talked about it all the way back to Kansas.  You told her you were proud of me.  You were pleased that I had been able to completely pay you back within a few months.

That was our last time together before you passed away three months later on April 13, 1999.

But we remain connected through God and the angels.  Thank you for helping me and I’m really happy I was able to pay you back before you passed.  So through all of the hurt and all the pain, our time together in this lifetime ended with grace, pride, respect, and dignity.

Thank you, Daddy, for all you have taught me.  Thank you for creating the woman I am.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad!

Love,

Jamie

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Mother’s Day

“A queen is wise.  She has earned her serenity, not having had it bestowed on her but having passed her tests.  She has suffered and grown more beautiful because of it.  She has proved she can hold her kingdom together.  She has become its vision.  She cares deeply about something bigger than herself.  She rules with authentic power.” –Marianne Williamson

My mother has always been my best friend.  Maybe because we saw the world in a way that other people around us didn’t understand.  Mom and I shared visions and predictions.  We would get into long conversations about spirits, reincarnation, out of body experiences, and angels.  My mother would grip my hands, stare into my eyes, and say, “I can’t talk to anyone else the way that I can talk to you.”

You see, my mother was a seer, a psychic, a sensitive, a traveler, a seeker…and, for her, it was a horrible burden.  She would continually be misunderstand, mocked, and criticized.  She would suffer through 40 years of domestic abuse that left her depressed, bitter, and broken.  She would only regain her spirit after my father passed and my mother suddenly found herself alone and free to be the woman she was meant to be.  She began to reclaim her life.  She would then tell me the most amazing stories about God and the universe and I was always so eager to hear and to understand.

I share my mother’s gift.  I carry the same burden.  It was a tremendous relief for me when my mother finally found the strength to reveal her true self, even though there were still days that it left her lonely and confused.  Her visions and intuition had caused her to be lonely and isolated.  Being a sensitive, my mother was always aware of the thoughts and feelings of the people around her.

One night, I was with my mother in a hotel room in Atlantic City.  We had just spent a long week traveling through the northeast together, exploring Ellis Island, the Statue of Liberty, and Niagara Falls.  I don’t know if it was exhaustion or exhilaration from our 8-week wander through America, but my mother sat on the bed with her legs tucked up under her.  She started to talk about her life, her visions, and the suffering she endured.  She began to say to me, “I know people don’t like me.  I know most people laugh at me.  But I can only be who I am.  I can only be me.”  Though her voice was strong and her declaration clear, the tears running down her face were breaking my heart.  I sat down on the bed beside her and wrapped my arms around my mother and together we shared tears and strength and visions until mom became silent and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning, mom was up early.  She was dressed, packed, and ready to continue our journey through America.  I was so happy that I was able to share this adventure with her.  I was so glad I got to live with her every day for the last nine months of her life.  Though my mother always doubted herself, she taught me to be strong; she taught me to be proud of my visions; she taught me to enjoy all of the wonders of the universe, both on earth and in heaven.  And this I can say with deep love in my heart and joy in my soul: My Mother was the greatest woman no one ever knew.

Happy Mother’s Day, Momma.  I love you.  I miss you every day.

And to all of the mother’s, all over the world, who love their children, who teach their children respect and kindness, who hold their children close to their breast and even closer to their hearts, who give their children strength to stand on their own two feet and yet pick them up when they fall…

To all the mothers who give of themselves without asking for anything in return; who stay in the shadows and allow their children to shine…

To all the mothers who are proud of their children even when sing off-key, miss a dance step, or strike out every time they are up at bat…

I know who you are…

I had a mother just like you…

And though it may not always be said, you are always loved and honored…if not by family, if not by neighbors, if not by friends…

You are held in the greatest admiration of God and the Blessed Virgin…

They see your suffering; they know your heart; they understand your deepest intentions and listen to your continuous prayers….

Giving birth was a blessed event and a blessing event…

You are honored…

I wish you all a very Happy Loving Mother’s Day….