I had so many plans for the blogs I wanted to write. I was planning tonight to write about the trips I used to take with my family when I was a child. I wanted to celebrate all the places I’ve been, the people I’ve meet, and the adventures I have taken. But I just can’t tonight. I’m just not feeling it tonight. Tonight, I am broken. I’m sad. I have traveled all over the world. I have lived out of my car as I’ve traveled endlessly around America. I have not lived in Kansas with my family for nearly 20 years. I am 2000 miles away in California where I have been for the last 10 years. Why, then, when I am so used to traveling free and light, when I drift and flow without questioning my fate, why tonight am I so homesick? Why tonight am I missing the simplicity and kindness of Kansas? I am blocked tonight of writing about highways. I can’t conger up destinations I have visited. I can’t focus on the outside world. Tonight, I am turned inward, back home. My family has experienced so many losses over the last 3 years and I have tried to stand so strong. I bury myself in work, in writing, in dreams….But tonight, I just want my family around me. I want to be embraced…Oh, God, it’s been so long since I’ve been hugged…just hugged. I want to be embraced again in the hearts of my sisters and brother. The child inside me is begging to be swaddled. I have always stood on my own, taken care of myself, where is this melancholy coming from?
This morning, I wanted to open up my email inbox and find a message from my sister. I look so forward to her long newsy emails. It is our connection, our way of staying together over the miles. I try logging into my email account…ah, and what’s this…I can’t log on! A message flashes across my screen…Someone else is trying to access my account. My email is being hacked into. I did everything I could think of to make my email only mine again. I did everything I could think of to keep my sister’s messages belonging just to me. I didn’t want to share them with anyone…especially not a stranger. But nothing worked. I was lost to my sister almost as if I could feel her hand sliding out of mine…and I began to break then. Break into small pieces.
I always have loved my solitude. I’m so good on my own. But now, the loss of communication with my sister was breaking my heart. Next thing I know I was plunging into despair. Loneliness engulfed me and I couldn’t breathe. I just wanted a kind word. I just wanted to hear about my neices and nephew and know they were well. I didn’t want to be left out of my family’s affairs, even though I’m the one who always runs away from home.
Can’t sleep…my head is spinning with all the things I want to say…
I’m alone now…10:30pm…and suddenly my cell phone buzzes. My sister…text message…Love you! And I smile. Maybe we don’t need email…Don’t even need text messages. She knew…she just knew…I can sleep now….